In a couple of weeks our church will begin a sermon series on marriage and relationships. To get ready, I’ve been reading several books on Christian marriage. One of those is How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.
In the book, the authors’ main idea is that the way we express love comes from the impressions and imprints of love we received through our childhood (6). As the joke (or perhaps the truth) of counseling goes: It’s all your parent’s fault. They propose that the way we learn to express love, beginning as children, starts as we remember how we were comforted. It’s our memory of how we were comforted by our parents or caregiver that lays the foundation for how we love when we get older.
They go on to outline four different love styles: Avoider, Pleaser, Vacillator and Chaotic. These were actually fairly helpful and I could see my love style and that of my spouse fairly easily. They follow the introduction of the love styles with several chapters on what dynamics tend to occur when different styles marry one another. What are the dynamics, for example, when a Vacillator marries an Avoider?
The final section of the book is devoted to being able to understand the love style of yourself and your spouse and how to get behind the barriers that have been built up and love in a fuller and more intimate way. Two themes that dominate this section are being able to understand your emotions and being able to openly communicate.
One of the positives of the book is that the love styles that Milan and Kay describe are helpful. It’s pretty easy to see which style you most identify with. One of the negatives however, is that most people fit into multiple categories. I understand that there are infinite combinations of how these love styles can be manifested and while they do address that problem it would be helpful if they spent a little more time on it.
One other negative is that in the final section, I think some of the couple emotion and communication exercises they suggest might be a bit more than the average couple would feel doing solely based on what they read in a book. I know part of what the authors want is for couples to move past the awkwardness and into better intimacy. But for the 99% of us who aren’t marriage and family therapists and who don’t have years of experience in these situations, perhaps there is a danger in doing them wrong. I can easily see how couples would be intimidated by some of their suggested exercises.
Overall, I think the book is helpful and provides talking points for couples- even if some of the exercises might be a little too clinical or advanced. It is also helpful that the authors approach marriage from a Christian background. My take is, like with any book, dissect what you read and apply what is helpful for you and your relationship.
I received this book from Blogging for Books in exchange for this review.